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Beginner's Guide: BDSM

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A lot of couples want to explore the kinky side of sex —  BDSM — but are afraid. If you're a newcomer to kink, there's a good reason to hesitate: Going too far, too fast, or even a minor miscommunication with your lover can end up hurting each other (or the relationship).

But couples who are new also have so much to gain by exploring new parts of their sexuality together.

What is BDSM? The letters stand for a lot of different things, depending on who you ask. The most common and broad definition of BDSM is Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. It's an umbrella term that includes a wide range of erotic activities that consenting adults use to explore their sexuality together. It can be light bondage, erotic spanking, or as advanced as suspension bondage and caning.

For those of you who are intrigued but hanging in limbo because of uncertainty, here's a 10-step guide to explore the exciting world of bondage.

 

1: Explore your fantasies and name your desires!

Fantasies belong in your erotic imagination and are able to powerfully fuel your sexual arousal. In fantasies, there are no limitations or consequences. A desire is craving for a real-life experience. Know the difference and let your fantasies run wild while being realistic about what you really desire in your sex life.

2: Try each activity one at a time.

"Many people are vastly unprepared and end up going overboard, with less than optimal results," says Milrod. If you want to explore spanking, for example, focus on that activity specifically, thinking about the location of your session (think: bed, or kitchen), laying out the props (hairbrush, paddle, riding crop) and then engaging with each other in a way that feels comfortable for both of you, she says. Savor each move, and the effect, whether you're the giver or the receiver.

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3: Go slowly.

For those new to BDSM there's always the temptation to try very heavy sensation. Build up the intensity slowly, and there is way less of a chance that someone will get hurt. No matter what activity you're exploring, slow down and pay attention to every step of this little journey. It's way better to end a session wanting more than do too much too quickly.

If you're unsure how much intensity your partner wants, use a scale of one to ten, one being "very gentle" and ten being "as much as I can take!" At any point, you can quickly check in and find out if your spanks are feeling like a three or an eight. Over time, you will both be able to communicate more clearly.


4: Never say Never

Explore slowly at first, but keep your options open. A lot of BDSM activities look way more intense than they feel. People seem afraid to try new forms of expression but have actually reported feeling “really relaxing” and “not at all painful”. Keep an open mind, explore one thing at a time, and never say "never!"

 

5: Don't be afraid to switch things up.

If you're just starting your journey, don't limit yourself with labels or assume you'll always play only one role. You may find that you enjoy switching roles or that your own definition of yourself needs to be stretched in new ways. "Let your turn-ons guide you to explore new fantasies and roles, and don't feel like you must pick one and stick with it," says Brame.

 

6: Ideas to try together:

Hair Pulling

Light Spanking

Aggressive Language

Tying Up With A Scarf

Under The Bed Restraints

Incorporating “Sir” Or “Madam”

Biting

Subbing/Topping Role Playing

Play With “Pervertables”

Sensation Play With A Blindfold.

Floggers

Clothespins

Candle wax

 

7: Alternative intro

Text them, say ‘Hey, I read an interesting blog in Talullah Suede’s Blog today (It’s OK, you can blame me) and it suggested I tell you three things I want to do to you tonight and you should say three things you want to do to me…’ Enjoy it at home. Don’t then launch into a massive sextathon – this isn’t about blowing your load before the fun has begun in person. Also, fantasy sexting may lead down avenues you can’t necessarily repeat in real life and it might become intimidating for your partner. Instead, use it to gauge what you think you would both enjoy – and try it. If you’re too shy to even start that kind of conversation, then just remember a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. That’s what this is really about. It’s not about sticking to the rules, just following some guidelines. It’s not about being perfect and faithfully re-enacting half of Porntube, it’s about finding what makes you feel powerful or what makes you feel submissive. It’s about positive re-enforcement. Did you enjoy that? Say so – thank your partner, tell them how good it was (either as the Dom or the sub). You have both tried something new, and you’re both dying to know what each other thought of it, so lie back and tell them how much you enjoyed the fruits of their labours. Remember, this is a small step to a much bigger world so don’t feel like you have to run before you can walk.

8: Enjoy the journey.

Understand it as a long-term exploration of your sexuality — your desires — and enjoy each step of the way. Sexuality is a fluid force in our lives; we need different things at different phases, and the process of discovering yourself as a sexual being never ends. Especially in long-term relationships, the spirit of curiosity and exploration can go a long way toward keeping your sex life exciting and fulfilling.

 

 

 

 


Sources: https://www.bustle.com/articles/133513-13-things-to-try-if-youre-new-to-bdsm

https://www.shape.com/lifestyle/sex-and-love/beginners-guide-bdsm

https://metro.co.uk/2016/10/13/bdsm-for-beginners-a-former-dominatrix-guides-you-and-your-partner-through-sm-6181351/

BDSM Blog Bondage Fantasy Sub and Dom Talullah Suede

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