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Beginner's Guide: Spanking

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Lots of people enjoy spanking; giving or receiving (or both), and there are many ways you can do it. For some, spanking can be part of a fantasy or role play, while for others, it can be purely for sensation. You can spank someone as a warm-up, during intercourse, as a way to tease your partner or as a way to engage in erotic power play. Some people like to use their hands; others prefer to use toys.

However you like to do it, here are some tips for making it as fun as it can be. As with all sexual experiences, some basic guidelines will help make the sexual expression more enjoyable and positive for all participants

1: Position, position!

Focus your spanking the buttocks. Always avoid impact on or above the tailbone, outside of the buttocks, lower thighs, the back of the knees, and where the bottom ends / the thighs begin. It’s easy to damage the tailbone or kidneys if your spanking gets out of the safe zone. And anyway, most people find that it feels best on their butts.

Tip:  You can create different sensations by having the receiving partner in different positions. If they’re lying flat on a bed, their butt is less stretched out than if they’re bent over or on their hands and knees. Many people find that the further their hips are bent, the stronger the same impact can feel.

2: The most common way to spank an ass is by hand but there are so many more options: paddles, riding crops and belts come to mind. If you're into pain, marks, or just impact play in general, there are also canes, floggers, whips, and riding crops. 

3: When we get spanked, more blood flows to the skin, the muscles relax and arousal builds. Warm your partner up with softer spanks. Massage the lower back, hips, butt and thighs -- the more relaxed we are, the better spanking can feel. Watch their body language for cues that they’re beginning to get turned on. You may want to include other stimulation such as genital play or light scratching and tickling to heighten sensation.

4: The spankee can give cues that particular stroke pattern or strength is enjoyable by wiggling or squirming in your lap, or letting out a squeal. They can also let the spanker know something was not so enjoyable by saying things like: “no not there”, “too hard” or “that didn’t feel good.” Discuss, prior to your spanking session, what cues or safe words will be used and what they mean

5: Both the spanker and the spankee need to want the experience. Talking about whether spanking can be a part of sex play usually works best when it happens before your evening of passion. There is always room for spontaneity, but rather, you’re more likely to be able to ask for what you want and hear your partner’s requests when you’re not turned on. After all, many of us have made decisions under the influence of lust that we might not have made under other circumstances. The clearer you are about what you want or what you might like to explore, the more likely it is that you’ll get it.

There are lots of ways to introduce the topic. You might try some of these techniques:

  • “I really like it when...”
  • “I have a fantasy about ______ and was wondering if you would want to...”
  • “I really get turned on when...”
  • “I’ve always wanted to try...”
  • “Remember in that story when that woman got spanked? I’ve been thinking about it a lot.”

Keep it positive, and let your partner know how sexy and fun you think spanking is. However they feel, try to be appreciative of their honesty and understand their view as much as you want them to understand yours. Talking about sex is often one of the biggest challenges in relationships, so be gentle with each other.

6: In some relationships, these sessions are referred to as “resets.” They occur most commonly when a Submissive gets stressed, freaked out, or overly cranky and needs to be re-centered. When done right, this kind of spanking brings about an emotional release. For example, some Subs may experience tears, but some maybe experience just plain old screaming. Either way, when the Dom is done,  most subs identify with feelings of: "head is a little quieter", "my emotions are calmer", and I'm "back to my usual self". For a Dominant who enjoys giving spankings or inflicting pain, it's possible that giving a spanking could be a reset for them, as well.

7: Some couples spank because they enjoy the opportunity for power exchange and role play, in addition to the pleasurable sensations spanking provides. Power exchange is where one temporarily relinquishes control to other. 

8: Since our limits may change when we’re turned on, how can you check in with each other without breaking the mood? Do you prefer a thud or a sting sensation? Use safewords. Safewords are code words for things like “I need to take a break” or “too much.” They can be easier to use during the heat of passion and they give room for playing with fantasies where no doesn’t necessarily mean no. Some popular ones are “red” (to stop) and “yellow” (to slow down).

9: In any scenario, aftercare is important! Even if it's a few light taps on the ass during sex, it's a good idea to make sure there's no lasting damage done (give a few cuddles before you get a sandwich and fall asleep). With therapy spankings that may result in a big release of emotion. However, with punishment spankings that are done to cause pain, you definitely need aftercare - hugs, water, soothing touches, whatever helps you both feel better after an intense session.

10: Remember, less is always more with alternative forms of bedroom play / BDSM... Rather leave your partner wishing they had gone a little further (in their mind) than regretting that they did (physically).

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